Penguin Teen

Ask Gayle is a weekly column in which New York Times bestselling author Gayle Forman answers fan questions about love, life, and everything in between! Submit a question anonymously via our Ask box. Today’s question is:

I connected deeply with the Mia in If I Stay because two years ago I got very sick, lost my hair, gained weight and became wheelchair bound. During the process I lost many friends who did not want to be around suffering, or anything so sad and depressing. It gets lonely because you stop trusting & letting people in. Have you ever been in a tragedy or situation where you have felt this way? How do you know who to open your heart to? How do you know who to trust when you have been hurt before?

Your question breaks my heart a little. Not because you got sick, though that sounds terrible, but because I’m worried about your support system. You say that you lost many friends, people who were uncomfortable around suffering. This saddens but doesn’t surprise me. We live in a squeamish culture, lacking a vocabulary to openly discuss things like illness and suffering. I imagine a lot of your friends weren’t so much put off by how “depressing” you were, but were made uncomfortable by their own inability to talk to you about it. They felt bad. So they retreated. 

You asked me if I’ve ever been through a tragedy where I felt this way. The answer is yes, but not how you think. I have been through a tragedy, and I expect I’ll go through more. It’s just life. But the thing you never anticipate about living through difficult times—sickness, death, emotional turmoil—is the support system that sprouts up around you. When I lost my best friends in a car accident, I was gutted. But I was surrounded by a group of people who felt the same way and there was healing and comfort in that community of loss. On the flipside, there have been other times in my life when I’ve been dealing with less “tragic” stuff, but doing it alone. And these were the times that were the hardest because I felt so alone. 

I wasn’t alone. I was just isolated. There’s a difference. You may feel isolated. But you are not alone. You said many of your friends disappeared. But what of the ones who didn’t? The ones who stuck around, these are true friends. Hold them close. Allow them to help you if you need help. Accepting generosity from others is an act of generosity. And be yourself with them—the pre-sick person you were, and the person you are now, because this is all you. Rejoice in these people, and let them rejoice in you. 

But here’s the thing that worries me about your letter. That there weren’t any friends left standing. That you don’t have any kind of support group. If that’s the case, that can be as devastating and debilitating as your physical ailments. Countless clinical studies have shown that social isolation has adverse impacts on physical and mental health. You need people around you. If you don’t have that community, you need to build it. 

Try joining a club at school or in your community—something you’re in to. Yearbook. Drama. Art. Chess. I’m not saying it’s easy. I imagine right now, you’re not feeling your most social. I’m not saying people will welcome you with open arms. Try to remember their discomfort comes from ignorance. Often, a common interest can provide a doorway to a conversation and you can give people a chance to see you, not Sick Girl In Wheelchair. 

Another possibility is to join a support group for people who have your illness, or for people who have mobility issues, or people who are pissed off because their lives got disrupted by illness way too young. (Lots of research on how being a support groups facilitates recovery, so there’s that, too). Hopefully you are already talking to your parents or your therapist or social worker or your favorite doctor or nurse about this stuff—and if you’re not, start. Let them help you connect with other people who are dealing with what you are. 

It really only takes one person to turn on the light, and one person to reflect it. While you’re trying to rebuild your community, you might wind up helping someone else, too. I always think of that Edith Wharton quote: There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. Light a candle, hold up a mirror. Find your people. It will get better.

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